And you all thought I had forgotten this blog... I haven't. And the reason for my almost-3-month hiatus is a very personal one that I would like to share with all of you:
In September of 2010, I started to have panic attacks. I had struggled with anxiety a little in high school and had a few panic attacks back then, but this was different. I had
panic attacks every morning and they were so bad that I'd throw up and be sick to my
stomach for most of the day. I felt like I was losing control of my
life. I couldn't even take care of my son because I would get so sick.
The
hardest part was that I had no clue why I was having anxiety. I would
wake up in the morning and be in the middle of a panic attack. It wasn't
something that had a trigger or a reason (that I knew of).
I went to the doctor and they put me on some preventive medicine, but
told me it would take 4 weeks to start working. So basically I just
had to deal with it and just take Xanax every morning (but it would only
get rid of the anxiety and not the sickness). I had to change medicines
one more time before I found one that worked and put my life back in
order.
September through December of 2010 are three months that I never want to live over again. It was really hard to feel so
debilitated and scared and sick. It honestly made me so different that when I finally "recovered," multiple people who are close to me said, "It's so good to have you back."
It took months of different drugs, counseling, praying, and health-evaluations to get me back to where I was before. And I thought I had "beat" it. I was on a medicine that worked, I had coping strategies from counseling, and I tried to keep unnecessary stress out of my life. And by April of this year, I felt like I was doing so well that I went off my medicine.
And I was fine. Until August. After one of our trips, my anxiety came back in full force. Again, I was waking up with panic attacks every morning and severe nausea. I immediately went back on my medicine, but it takes (like I said before) at least 4 weeks to start making a difference. So in the meantime, I did the best I could to cope with it. I lost the 15 pounds I had gained over a 6-month period in less than 2 months (the amount of time it took for me to "get better again" this time around). That's how sick my anxiety makes me.
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| My son and me this August before my anxiety came back. |
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| Me today, 15 lbs. lighter. NOT the way to lose weight, I'm just showing you the difference. |
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But honestly, this time around it wasn't as bad because I was armed with knowledge about what was chemically and mentally happening.
And that is the exact reason I'm sharing this with you. Because I wish that 2 years ago, someone would have educated me like I am attempting to educate you so that I didn't feel like I was going crazy and there was nothing I could do.
Biologically
First of all, I want to explain the biological reason for anxiety. I think most people know about the natural fight or flight response in our bodies. When it is exposed to stress or danger, your body either reacts by fighting or fleeing (in a way). This is directly related to anxiety.
But what most people may not know is that you have a hormone called serotonin in your body that helps regulates your mood. When you confront stress for a long period of time, your body actually starts to produce less serotonin or your brain absorbs too much of it so that the rest of your body is not getting enough. There are two responses in the body to this: depression or anxiety. Usually, it is anxiety because your body goes into fight or flight mode.
That is a very watered-down version of what is happening biologically when you have anxiety or panic attacks. Now usually, our bodies will bounce back. So you may have some anxiety for a little while but then the stress-inducer is over with, and your body starts to produce enough serotonin again.
But for some people, especially those who have genetically inherited a deficiency in the production of serotonin, the anxiety is magnified into an anxiety disorder and it takes medicine to help their body start producing more serotonin or prevent the brain from absorbing it from the rest of your body.
For four generations on one side of my family, we have mental illness related to the deficiency of serotonin. Anxiety and depression has affected at least half of my family members on that side, including at one time or another, all of my siblings and me. My sister and I like to joke that "we're crazy by genetics".
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| My siblings and me, November 2011 |
Stigmas about anxiety and depression in general
Which brings me to my next section: the stigma associated with anxiety and mental illnesses. I can't tell you how many times I have heard, "it's all in your head" or "you're just working yourself up" or "snap out of it". Gratefully, I never heard this from family and friends. They were more than supportive. But I have heard all of these comments in association with depression and anxiety.
This is NOT TRUE. Yes your thoughts can help (I'll get to that in a minute), but you have a hormone deficiency or decreased-production that is out of your control. And that's why you need medicine. When we hear of someone who has diabetes, do we think: "It's all in your head" or "You're just working yourself up"? Of course not. And yet they have a deficiency of insulin. It's about what's going on biologically, not mentally.
So please, if you don't get anything else from this, just remember this: depression and anxiety is a true biological thing. The person is not really crazy and they can't just "get over it." They have to have outside help in the means of medicine and counseling.
Counseling and its benefits
I resisted going to counseling for a long time. The mental image I had in my head was straight from Hollywood (you know the one I'm talking about) and I thought, "There is no horrible secret in my past that makes me have anxiety. I don't need counseling." And if I'm completely honest, I thought, "Only crazy people go to counseling. People will think of me differently if I go to counseling."
But after some encouragement from my sister who reassured me that counseling is nothing like what you see in the movies and that it is so helpful, I decided to brave it. The most important thing to me was that the counselor not try to dig into my childhood and not tell me how I should be feeling. Leading up to that first appointment, I seriously had so much anxiety about going to counseling for anxiety.
It was nothing like I pictured. I had a great counselor who validated how I felt, gave me a new way of thinking about anxiety, and helped me learn coping techniques to get through moments when I do feel anxiety. I can't remember how many times I went to her 2 years ago, but this time around I only needed to go twice in order to feel the reassurance, encouragement, and help that I needed.
Counseling helps. I'm not saying that it might not be awkward at first, because it totally is. And just because you need to go to a counselor doesn't mean that you're broken/crazy or not faithful enough to get over your own problems. They are trained to help you and help is what you need. Anyone who thinks you're weird for going to a counselor is thinking of the movie version and doesn't truly care about you and your health. Bottom line.
Some other things you need to know about anxiety
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It manifests itself in many different ways. When I had panic
attacks, I felt like I was having a heart attack with pain in my chest. I
would also hyperventilate, shake, and get extremely sick to my stomach.
Other symptoms could be dizziness, numbness in hands or feet, sweating,
and hot flashes.
- Panic disorder (having panic attacks often) is more common in women than men and usually manifests itself before age 25.
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Anxiety can be caused by a lot of things. If you feel anxiety, try to
find the source of the problem and address it (using a counselor if
needed), while receiving medical help.
- If you have anxiety, medicine and counseling are not the only things you can do. The following things help increase your serotonin:
- SLEEP (at least 8 hours a night) Sometimes anxiety causes a lack of sleep which makes your body produce even less serotonin, putting you in a vicious cycle. Talk to your doctor about a possible sleep aid if you think you need it. Once you start getting a good nights sleep, it will help your recovery and you can go off the sleep aid once your body is back up to par.
- Take Magnesium/Calcium, B-complex supplements and omega 3 fatty acids
- Exercise 30-60 minutes, four to six times a week
- Eat small meals more often to keep blood sugar up
- Sunlight (30 mins to 2.5 hours a day)
- Physical touch (hugs, massages, etc.)
- Baths, showers, swimming
- Rocking motion stimulates serotonin production (that's why you tend to rock to give/receive comfort)
- Laughter
- Crying
- Creative activities (now you know why I've been a crafting freak... haha)
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It's important to be on medicine that increases serotonin production
until your serotonin levels even out. That might take awhile (depends on
the person), but there's nothing wrong with that. AND you don't necessarily have to be on medicine forever. We did find out the reason that I had anxiety, and why it came back. Once that stress is gone from my life, I will eventually be able to work myself off the medicine again. But don't go cold-turkey, you need to wean yourself off the medicine so your body doesn't go in fight or flight again.
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| My son and me in December 2010. Him and my hubby were such a support. |
- It's important to have people you can rely on. Don't suppress your feelings, let them out. Educate your loved ones on all of this. Help them understand what you're going through and tell them exactly what you need from them and how they can help. Even if it's just them telling you, "You're not crazy" or "Everything will be okay."
- If you are religious like me, I also encourage you to pray often for strength. Jesus Christ is literally the ONLY person in the world who knows EXACTLY what you are going through because He has felt it. When He atoned for the sins of the world, He felt every joy and every pain and sorrow as well. Therefore, He knows how to give you comfort. I can testify that I have grown much closer to my Savior through this trial and I know that He will never leave me comfortless. He won't necessarily take the trial away, but He will give us the strength to endure.
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I
hope that all of this helps you understand anxiety better so that you
can be supportive if anyone you know goes through this. It's more
prevalent in our society than you think. And there are solutions. It should not rule
your life or the life of someone you know.
I know that
someday I'll look back at this period of my life and it will be a
distant memory. Thank you to all of you who were so supportive and who
will continue to be. Without you, I couldn't have made it through.
