Battling With Infertility

 

Well I'm breaking my 2.5 year silence on this blog so I can share something personal that is way too long for a simple Facebook post. This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and I just felt that I should share our story to help raise awareness that infertility is more common than you think.

Honestly, I continue to be amazed by how clueless some people are about infertility. And I'll admit, I was one of those people until six years ago. I had my life all planned out: we were going to have kids no less than 2 years apart, no more than 3 years apart... we were going to have 5-6 kids, at least 4... etc. I even had family members who struggled with infertility and I still thought this way. In my mind we already had a kid and that would not be a problem.

What I didn't expect was what is called Secondary Infertility. Secondary infertility is when you have problems conceiving after you have already been able to conceive a child without any medical assistance. So even though we already had our wonderful little boy, it didn't mean we weren't going to experience infertility.

I also didn't realize how common it is. The Center for Disease Control estimates that 11% of couples who already have a child experience secondary infertility (that equates to 4 million couples). source

On this blog post (and I love what she says about secondary infertility!) I found this quote from Dr. Alice Domar who wrote the book Conquering Infertility: "Statistically, secondary infertility--the inability to conceive and deliver a second child-- is actually more common than primarily infertility."

Us with our little guy in 2012

Add that to the millions of couples who can't conceive their first child and the CDC has found that 1 in 8 couples experience infertility. source

ONE in EIGHT couples, people! And yet, people still assume that if a couple doesn't have a child (or more than one), there must be some other reason why like to make more money, to avoid the responsibility, because you don't like kids, etc.

The problem with secondary infertility is that once you have a child, you and everyone else think you must not have any problems and should be able to "pop them out" whenever your heart desires. It wrenched at my heart every time someone asked me, "So when are you guys going to have another one?" I would say something like, "Hopefully soon." but after about a year of that, my answer changed to, "Ask Heavenly Father that one and let me know." It's not that I was trying to make them feel bad that they asked such a ridiculously personal question, but I needed a way to let them know that not everyone has control over when they have their next child.

As if it wasn't enough to go through the month-after-month infertility treatments, the cruel cycle of hope and disappointment, and the tear-jerking prayers of my 4-year-old praying for a sibling, I also had to put up with stupid people who said, "You ONLY have one?" or give me every tip under the sun about how to get pregnant (my "favorite"-- sarcasm there: "Just relax. You're too stressed."). It is not easy.

Then there's the people who think, "Oh so if you can't have a baby, you go to the doctor, he puts you on clomid and you get pregnant that way." It doesn't always work that way. Ryan and I went through infertility treatments for years and the doctors could never figure out why we couldn't get pregnant. This is called unexplained infertility. The doctors told us in 2012 after all those infertility tests and treatments (short of in-vitro fertilization) that if we kept trying, eventually we may get pregnant. That wasn't good enough for me. I didn't want a "may get pregnant."

You see, I already had one child and I wanted him to grow up with siblings. I wanted the answer to his prayers and ours to come before he was too old to appreciate it. I also knew what it was like to be pregnant and hold that baby in my arms at birth and I longed to experience it again. This is one aspect unique to those experiencing secondary infertility. In no way am I saying that secondary infertility is harder than primary infertility (or vice versa); I'm just showing that there are things that are tough about it too.

I loved how that Dr. Domar put it: "Women with secondary infertility are the Rodney Dangerfield's of infertility--they get no respect. Other infertile women can't stand them. After all, they've got one child--isn't that enough? Family members don't understand them. They got pregnant once, why can't they do it again?" 

The best way to describe it for me is to say that you don't feel like you fit in either the infertile category or the fertile one. You feel like you're in-between. Those experiencing primary infertility think you shouldn't complain because at least you have one child and those who can plan their pregnancies to a T do not understand what it's like to experience infertility.

I'm not writing this so that anybody feels sorry for me or feels like I'm complaining. Instead, I just want to help you understand what it is like to go through this trial of infertility (especially secondary infertility) so that you can understand how to be more compassionate for those around you who are experiencing it as well.

So after 3 years of trying to get pregnant, we decided in September of 2012 that we would go forward with in-vitro fertilization (IVF). In infertility years, 3 years is not a long time. I've known women who have gone through infertility treatments for many more years than that. But for us personally, we felt that it was the right time to do it. I had already been struggling with anxiety which was related to our infertility and we decided that it was better for my mental health to go ahead and do IVF.

We went through a wonderful clinic called Reproductive Care Center in Utah. We had already been working with them on other infertility tests and treatments and we loved the doctor we worked with, Dr. Swelstad. My son and I lived at my sister-in-law's house for 2 weeks in Utah while I went through the IVF process.

The IVF medicine (complete with huge needles)

For 10 days I had daily shots that I had to administer myself. I got used to needles, let me tell you. I was terrified of them to begin with and only got to practice inserting them twice into a little sponge thing (I really wanted to practice on Ryan so he could know how it was going to be, but they wouldn't let me at the med class. Haha).

I also had a blood draw and ultrasound every other day until the egg retrieval where they had to put me under anesthesia. I was nervous about it because the last time I had been given anesthesia was when I got my wisdom teeth out and I bawled like a baby when I woke up out of it.

When I woke up from the egg retrieval (not crying this time thankfully), the doctor congratulated us on getting 17 eggs! (You know how weird it is to hear about future life referred to as "eggs" and "embryos". It honestly makes me feel like I'm a chicken or something.) That was a lot of potential embryos right there. The doc was happy, we were happy.

Trying to keep my humor about these needles!

After five days of updates on how many embryos we had (10) and how they were "growing" (how many cells there were), we were back at the doctor's office Saturday morning.

I will never forget the moment when Dr. Swelstad came in and informed us that ALL 10 of our embryos had survived. This is pretty rare. Not only that, but the doctor and the embryologist recommended that we only transfer one embryo. Before that point, we had already decided we were going to transfer 2 so that we could have "better odds." The doctor said the decision was up to us, of course, but that they really thought the embryo would take because it was rated an "excellent grade" embryo. We decided to go with their recommendation and I remember pushing the paperwork at the doctor thinking, "No regrets Kadie, if it doesn't work we can try again in December with two of the other embryos."

Then we signed some papers and got all decked out in the pre-op room (I am not attractive in those hair caps, but we had to record the experience):

The procedure was done in 5 minutes, I laid there for 15 and then we changed and left. You feel like after what you've been through over the last month, that you should get to know if it worked that day. It just seems so anti-climatic to have them give you some instructions for recovery and then just go home to wait 2 weeks to find out if your body decided to want that little "bubble" of cells.

The next day we said goodbye to our amazing hosts who let us move in for half the month and drove back home. The embryologist called and let us know that 2 of our 9 remaining embryos hadn't made it to freezing, but that still meant we had 7 left.

The next week and a half were SO. SLOW. Any of you women who have wanted to be pregnant before can relate to this: I looked for every possible sign that I was pregnant before I could actually find out. I would get nauseous and think, "I'm pregnant!" Then I'd have to remind myself that it didn't start near that early and that my body could mimic any of the pregnancy symptoms at that time because of how jacked up my hormones were from the shots.

Finally on Wednesday, November 7th, I got my blood drawn to see if I was pregnant. In what seemed like FOREVER (really only 3 hours later), my nurse called me. I don't think I even said "hello." All I said was "Please tell me you have good news." She said, "I do! You're pregnant!" I was so relieved and happy. Then I said, "You're ABSOLUTELY sure? There's no maybe?" And she reassured me that there was no way I wasn't pregnant.

Eight months later, on July 3rd, 2013, we welcomed this beautiful girl into our family.

Oh my heavens, isn't she so cute and squishy????

She's now in the terrible twos and I can't believe she was once so small and cute and docile. Haha. I remember we were like first-time parents all over again with her. Our son was almost 5 when she was born and we didn't remember how to take care of a newborn! But life was great and Kaleb absolutely loved having a sibling.

At the end of 2014, we decided that it was time to start thinking about using one of our frozen embryos. After contacting Reproductive Care Center they told us that I first needed to have my local OBGYN do an ultrasound to make sure that everything looked healthy.

Since I wanted to switch clinics this time around I made an appointment with a doctor from the new clinic to do a yearly check-up and then the ultrasound. Unfortunately the doctor I met with had his own ideas about my infertility (having never met me before and also not being there for all my previous infertile years) and tried to convince me to try Clomid or Femara again. I firmly told him that no I was not going through that again. Several times throughout the appointment I had to decline his "help" and finally he said, "Nothing I say is going to change your mind, is it?" and I said, "Nope!"

I still cried all the way home because here is another misconception about infertility: even after you go through IVF or other infertility treatments and conceive a baby, infertility still affects you. All those feelings came back of what it was like to go through all those treatments and the heartbreak and disappointment of getting my period every month. When that doctor tried to convince me to let him work his magic (never mind that we'd already been to an infertility specialist), I already knew I couldn't go through it again. We did IVF so that I would never have to go through it again.

It's bad enough that every year, we get a bill in the mail for our embryo storage and it's like a smack-in-the-face reminder: Hi, you have infertility! Or every time we get together with our close friends who have a son that my son's age and a daughter that my daughter's age but have one son in between, it's like a reminder: hey you could have had another kid in the time it took you to get through your infertility treatments!

It never leaves you, but it also creates who you are today. I can say I am stronger. I am wiser. I am more compassionate. I know I am loved. I know I am supported. I am closer to my husband. I appreciate my kids more. I know what a miracle it is that anyone gets pregnant! I know I can do hard things. I know my Savior can truly give me comfort. I know that Heavenly Father hears my prayers. I know that I can be guided by the Holy Ghost.

And that guidance led me to decline that doctor's offer (he's retired now thank heavens so I never had to see him after he did the ultrasound) and go ahead with the embryo transfer. It was a lot easier than the IVF process, let me tell you! And we were blessed to get pregnant with another girl who joined our family on November 12th, 2015.

So during this week, National Infertility Awareness Week, I want you to know that Ryan and I are 1 in 8. The person sitting next to you in psychology class could be that 1 in 8. That person in your church who plays the organ could be that 1 in 8. So please, please, think before you ask him/her when they're going to have a baby or another baby. Think before you complain about how you've tried to get pregnant for three whole months and it's not working. Think before you ask them, "Do you only have the one child?" That "only" digs deep. Think before you tell them how you read this article where Vitamin B helps you get pregnant. Or sleeping upside down or jumping on the tramp or whatever.

Because what a person dealing with infertility needs most is sensitivity and support. They need the world to be more accepting of them saying out loud, "Hey we're having a hard time getting pregnant" or "we can't ever get pregnant." Infertility is not taboo. Once they tell you that they are dealing with infertility, don't be afraid to ask them how they're doing with all the treatments and what you can do to help ease their emotional heartbreak. Most likely, all they need is a listening ear and a good hug.

And chocolate. Lots of chocolate. :)

If you're someone that's dealing with infertility, please know that you are not alone. Even that family with 8 kids on your street could have dealt with infertility. You never know until you open up. You'll be surprised to find how many have dealt with the same trials you are going through right now. I know not everyone can be so open about their experiences as I am, but I strongly believe that the more we talk about infertility, the more the "fertile" world will understand how to react and be sensitive and supportive.

And most of all, hang in there. Your family will come (all of them). In the meantime, don't forget to enjoy the good parts of life. One of my favorite quotes (and reminders) while I was going through infertility was this one:

For more information on infertility, go to www.resolve.org.

Helping Yourself or Others With Anxiety

And you all thought I had forgotten this blog... I haven't. And the reason for my almost-3-month hiatus is a very personal one that I would like to share with all of you:

In September of 2010, I started to have panic attacks. I had struggled with anxiety a little in high school and had a few panic attacks back then, but this was different. I had panic attacks every morning and they were so bad that I'd throw up and be sick to my stomach for most of the day. I felt like I was losing control of my life. I couldn't even take care of my son because I would get so sick.

The hardest part was that I had no clue why I was having anxiety. I would wake up in the morning and be in the middle of a panic attack. It wasn't something that had a trigger or a reason (that I knew of). I went to the doctor and they put me on some preventive medicine, but told me it would take 4 weeks to start working. So basically I just had to deal with it and just take Xanax every morning (but it would only get rid of the anxiety and not the sickness). I had to change medicines one more time before I found one that worked and put my life back in order.

September through December of 2010 are three months that I never want to live over again. It was really hard to feel so debilitated and scared and sick. It honestly made me so different that when I finally "recovered," multiple people who are close to me said, "It's so good to have you back."

It took months of different drugs, counseling, praying, and health-evaluations to get me back to where I was before. And I thought I had "beat" it. I was on a medicine that worked, I had coping strategies from counseling, and I tried to keep unnecessary stress out of my life. And by April of this year, I felt like I was doing so well that I went off my medicine.

And I was fine. Until August. After one of our trips, my anxiety came back in full force. Again, I was waking up with panic attacks every morning and severe nausea. I immediately went back on my medicine, but it takes (like I said before) at least 4 weeks to start making a difference. So in the meantime, I did the best I could to cope with it. I lost the 15 pounds I had gained over a 6-month period in less than 2 months (the amount of time it took for me to "get better again" this time around). That's how sick my anxiety makes me.

My son and me this August before my anxiety came back.

Me today, 15 lbs. lighter. NOT the way to lose weight, I'm just showing you the difference.

But honestly, this time around it wasn't as bad because I was armed with knowledge about what was chemically and mentally happening.

And that is the exact reason I'm sharing this with you. Because I wish that 2 years ago, someone would have educated me like I am attempting to educate you so that I didn't feel like I was going crazy and there was nothing I could do.


Biologically
First of all, I want to explain the biological reason for anxiety. I think most people know about the natural fight or flight response in our bodies. When it is exposed to stress or danger, your body either reacts by fighting or fleeing (in a way). This is directly related to anxiety.

But what most people may not know is that you have a hormone called serotonin in your body that helps regulates your mood. When you confront stress for a long period of time, your body actually starts to produce less serotonin or your brain absorbs too much of it so that the rest of your body is not getting enough. There are two responses in the body to this: depression or anxiety. Usually, it is anxiety because your body goes into fight or flight mode.

That is a very watered-down version of what is happening biologically when you have anxiety or panic attacks. Now usually, our bodies will bounce back. So you may have some anxiety for a little while but then the stress-inducer is over with, and your body starts to produce enough serotonin again.

But for some people, especially those who have genetically inherited a deficiency in the production of serotonin, the anxiety is magnified into an anxiety disorder and it takes medicine to help their body start producing more serotonin or prevent the brain from absorbing it from the rest of your body.

For four generations on one side of my family, we have mental illness related to the deficiency of serotonin. Anxiety and depression has affected at least half of my family members on that side, including at one time or another, all of my siblings and me. My sister and I like to joke that "we're crazy by genetics". 

My siblings and me, November 2011

Stigmas about anxiety and depression in general
Which brings me to my next section: the stigma associated with anxiety and mental illnesses. I can't tell you how many times I have heard, "it's all in your head" or "you're just working yourself up" or "snap out of it". Gratefully, I never heard this from family and friends. They were more than supportive. But I have heard all of these comments in association with depression and anxiety.

This is NOT TRUE. Yes your thoughts can help (I'll get to that in a minute), but you have a hormone deficiency or decreased-production that is out of your control. And that's why you need medicine. When we hear of someone who has diabetes, do we think: "It's all in your head" or "You're just working yourself up"? Of course not. And yet they have a deficiency of insulin. It's about what's going on biologically, not mentally.

So please, if you don't get anything else from this, just remember this: depression and anxiety is a true biological thing. The person is not really crazy and they can't just "get over it." They have to have outside help in the means of medicine and counseling.


Counseling and its benefits
I resisted going to counseling for a long time. The mental image I had in my head was straight from Hollywood (you know the one I'm talking about) and I thought, "There is no horrible secret in my past that makes me have anxiety. I don't need counseling." And if I'm completely honest, I thought, "Only crazy people go to counseling. People will think of me differently if I go to counseling."

But after some encouragement from my sister who reassured me that counseling is nothing like what you see in the movies and that it is so helpful, I decided to brave it. The most important thing to me was that the counselor not try to dig into my childhood and not tell me how I should be feeling. Leading up to that first appointment, I seriously had so much anxiety about going to counseling for anxiety.

It was nothing like I pictured. I had a great counselor who validated how I felt, gave me a new way of thinking about anxiety, and helped me learn coping techniques to get through moments when I do feel anxiety. I can't remember how many times I went to her 2 years ago, but this time around I only needed to go twice in order to feel the reassurance, encouragement, and help that I needed.

Counseling helps. I'm not saying that it might not be awkward at first, because it totally is. And just because you need to go to a counselor doesn't mean that you're broken/crazy or not faithful enough to get over your own problems. They are trained to help you and help is what you need. Anyone who thinks you're weird for going to a counselor is thinking of the movie version and doesn't truly care about you and your health. Bottom line.


Some other things you need to know about anxiety

- It manifests itself in many different ways. When I had panic attacks, I felt like I was having a heart attack with pain in my chest. I would also hyperventilate, shake, and get extremely sick to my stomach. Other symptoms could be dizziness, numbness in hands or feet, sweating, and hot flashes.

- Panic disorder (having panic attacks often) is more common in women than men and usually manifests itself before age 25.

- Anxiety can be caused by a lot of things. If you feel anxiety, try to find the source of the problem and address it (using a counselor if needed), while receiving medical help.

- If you have anxiety, medicine and counseling are not the only things you can do. The following things help increase your serotonin:
- SLEEP (at least 8 hours a night) Sometimes anxiety causes a lack of sleep which makes your body produce even less serotonin, putting you in a vicious cycle. Talk to your doctor about a possible sleep aid if you think you need it. Once you start getting a good nights sleep, it will help your recovery and you can go off the sleep aid once your body is back up to par.
- Take Magnesium/Calcium, B-complex supplements and omega 3 fatty acids
- Exercise 30-60 minutes, four to six times a week
- Eat small meals more often to keep blood sugar up
- Sunlight (30 mins to 2.5 hours a day)
- Physical touch (hugs, massages, etc.)
- Baths, showers, swimming
- Rocking motion stimulates serotonin production (that's why you tend to rock to give/receive comfort)
- Laughter
- Crying
- Creative activities (now you know why I've been a crafting freak... haha)

- It's important to be on medicine that increases serotonin production until your serotonin levels even out. That might take awhile (depends on the person), but there's nothing wrong with that. AND you don't necessarily have to be on medicine forever. We did find out the reason that I had anxiety, and why it came back. Once that stress is gone from my life, I will eventually be able to work myself off the medicine again. But don't go cold-turkey, you need to wean yourself off the medicine so your body doesn't go in fight or flight again.

My son and me in December 2010. Him and my hubby were such a support.

- It's important to have people you can rely on. Don't suppress your feelings, let them out. Educate your loved ones on all of this. Help them understand what you're going through and tell them exactly what you need from them and how they can help. Even if it's just them telling you, "You're not crazy" or "Everything will be okay."

- If you are religious like me, I also encourage you to pray often for strength. Jesus Christ is literally the ONLY person in the world who knows EXACTLY what you are going through because He has felt it. When He atoned for the sins of the world, He felt every joy and every pain and sorrow as well. Therefore, He knows how to give you comfort. I can testify that I have grown much closer to my Savior through this trial and I know that He will never leave me comfortless. He won't necessarily take the trial away, but He will give us the strength to endure.

_____________________

I hope that all of this helps you understand anxiety better so that you can be supportive if anyone you know goes through this. It's more prevalent in our society than you think. And there are solutions. It should not rule your life or the life of someone you know.

I know that someday I'll look back at this period of my life and it will be a distant memory. Thank you to all of you who were so supportive and who will continue to be. Without you, I couldn't have made it through.